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14 Signs You Are Enabling Addiction

Enabling Addiction | 14 ways you could be dong more harm than good for your loved one

We have all had to watch someone that we love suffer. It is heartbreaking. We want to do anything we can to help them. Money, time, transportation, supplies – all these things and more we will give to help someone we love.

For many people giving things is the only way they know how to show love. The parent that helps their daughter pay her car insurance, the child that uses their allowance to buy a Father’s Day gift; money and gifts are closely tied to love in our society.

Addiction and the Help That Hurts

What happens when the one you love has an addiction? Substance abusers are always in need of help. They spend all their money on their addiction, and then can’t fund the rest of their life. Or maybe they paid their bills this month but are now trying to get money for their drug habit. Users generally have unhealthy lifestyles and need unexpected extra money for doctor’s appointments and medicine. They may require last minute loans because they have no food in their house, or they need gas to get to work. Poor choices, made by the user, add up to always needing someone to bail them out of their problems.

“My wife enabled my drug use for years. I got progressively worse as she funded me and covered for me. We were both miserable. It only stopped when she pulled the plug. We fought. It  was ugly. We even separated for a while. But eventually, I realized everything I was throwing away and decided to get clean. For us, it worked out. I’ve been clean for years and we are back together and happy.” – Jerry in South Carolina

Drug Abuse and Emotional Manipulation

Manipulation of others comes with addiction. The user may not always realize they are doing it, but their lifestyle choices hurt the ones they love. At first, pleas for help and promises to change may be sincere. Your love compels you to help them. Later, your loved one has no intention of changing, but they know what to say to pull those heart strings and get the money, the ride, or the things they need. They will do and say the things that they know will hurt you. Anything to justify their using.

People with addictions distance themselves from the reality of their problems. While in active addiction, the user always finds someone or something else to blame for their problems. They cannot take responsibility for their life because then that would mean changing. Change is not something that the active substance abuser wants. Things often have to get dreadful before a user can break the chains of the disease and desire genuine help.

The longer you help your loved one solve their problems, the longer they will use. This is called enabling.

Enabling is where a friend or family member will, out of love or convenience, help the substance abuser to use. It’s easy to do. You want to help them.

14 Signs That You Are an Enabler

  1. RATIONALIZE: Do you rationalize your loved one’s behavior by blaming yourself or other situations, past or present?
    She can’t pay her bills because she was sick last week. If I had married his father, things would be different.
  2. CLEANUP: Do you clean up your loved one’s messes?
    He got drunk last week, broke the living room furniture and vomited on the floor. I had to clean it up because he won’t. She overslept after being out all night gambling. I had to pay her tuition or she wouldn’t be able to start college this semester.
  3. IGNORE: Are you ignoring new bad behaviors such as lying, back talking, stealing, etc.?
    I know she stole my ring, but I didn’t bring it up, she won’t admit to it. He said he would help me with the yard, and he isn’t here. Whatever, he probably forgot.
  4. HIDE: Do you keep thoughts and feelings to yourself because you are scared of angering your loved one?
    I wasn’t feeling well today and needed him to help with the dishes. When he got home, he already seemed mad, so I just did it myself. I was so upset she forgot our date last weekend, but you know how she gets, so I just didn’t even mention it.
  5. COWER: Do you put your loved one’s financial and emotional needs ahead of your own?
    I needed to pay the electric bill this weekend, but she needed to pay her fine so she wouldn’t go to jail. Oh well, it can be a week late. I needed a break and wanted to go on a little vacation this weekend, but he said he was too tired. I guess I can be happy at home, too.
  6. LIE & MAKE EXCUSES: Do you make excuses for your loved one’s behavior to your friends, relatives, or coworkers?
    I didn’t want my co-workers to know he has an addiction, so I just said he got sick and couldn’t come to the banquet. I didn’t want the family to know she was using again, so I told everyone that she had to work.
  7. RESENT: Are you becoming resentful toward the substance abuser because they don’t care about the things that need to be worked on in your life?
    I needed to finish painting the house this weekend, but he didn’t care. I told him last week, but he just invited all his drinking buddies over. I am so aggravated. I have been so depressed about money lately. She knows this, but went out last night and spent $50. Now I can’t pay the water bill. There is no hope.
  8. LOSS ENERGY: Are you physically and emotionally drained and exhausted?
    I have been in my book club for ten years, but I quit yesterday. I just can’t go anymore. I remember when I slept only 6 hours a night; now I could sleep 10, and it is never enough.
  9. RAGE: Do you have trouble controlling your temper? Have you lost patience in other relationships?
    Last week I blew up at my mom for no reason. I don’t know what has gotten into me lately. My friend had to change plans because her kids were sick. I just told her no. I don’t have time for that.
  10. LOSE YOURSELF: Do you never have time for yourself anymore?
    I haven’t made it out to a movie in months. I used to go once a week. Now it is always something with my son? I stopped fixing my hair weeks ago. I just never seem to have the time.
  11. HELP: Do you loan money, give rides, buy groceries, etc. for your loved one because they cannot do it for themselves?
    He won’t buy anything to eat, so I leave a bag of groceries on his back porch every couple of days. No, I can’t go out to eat right now, I have to bring her to work. She lost her driver’s license to a DWI.
  12. RESCUE: Do you always come to your loved one’s rescue with their addiction gets them in trouble?
    We can’t do the remodel on the house because we used all of our money for her bail. We didn’t even finish our vacation because we knew his electricity had been cut off. We needed to get back to put it in our names.
  13. BACKDOWN: Do you give ultimatums even though you know that you will not or can not stick to them?
    I know I have said it before, but if you do not give me gas money, I will not give you a ride to the store! This is the last time I loan you money! (even though you said that all the times before)
  14. GIVE A MILLION LAST CHANCES: Are you still giving your loved one “one last chance”?
    I am serious this time. If you get drunk one more time, I am leaving. This is it. I promise that this time is your last chance. If I find drugs in my house one more time, I am calling the cops.

If you see yourself in any of these examples, then you are probably an enabler. It is hard to watch your loved ones suffer. But if there are no consequences to their actions, they will have no reason to get help. If you are paying the users bills, driving them around, or giving them a house to sleep in, you are only prolonging the addiction. Eventually, you will run out of money, of time, or of health, but the addiction will keep going.

The Dark Path – With A Choice

Many people who are in the throes of addiction must reach a breaking point before they are ready for help. This is called a “bottom.” By helping your loved one, you are keeping them from finding their bottom, and you are enabling their continued use. What you need to look for is the genuine cry for help. When your loved one realizes, if only for a short time, that they are going down a dark path with no future.

Don’t feed the addiction. But when they are ready for real help, for treatment, act fast.

Get help Today. Call Our 24 Hour Addiction Hotline:

It’s not easy to do, to ignore the calls for help from a loved one.

One way to try to balance the equation is to realize that you have needs too. Start putting your needs back into the calculation. Is helping him going to hurt me? Am I really helping her or just enabling her? Is this a call for help or just a ploy to further enable their lifestyle of drug use?

Remember, your loved one is the one responsible for his or her behaviors. Remind yourself of this and then put yourself first. Remind yourself that they got themselves into this mess and they need to get themselves out. You are important. Your needs are important. Your mental and physical health are important. It is time for you to start loving yourself. Your only contribution should be to help with treatment.

Putting It Into Action

  • Honesty
    Don’t hold in your emotions and feelings any longer. Don’t lie for your loved one anymore. Let family, friends, and coworkers know what is going on and how it makes you feel. Let the substance abuser know. Don’t try to spare their feelings at your expense. If you are in a physically abusive situation, leave immediately. No one has the right to hit you, ever.
  • Stop Bailing Them Out
    Before a person with an addiction decides they need to get help, they need to face the consequences of their behavior. By paying their bills, giving them money, giving them rides, buying their groceries, etc., you make it easier for them to keep using.
  • Avoid the Blame Game
    You are not to blame for your loved one’s behavior. Their parents’ divorce is not to blame for our loved one’s behavior. Physical illness is not to blame for your loved one’s behavior. Yes, these things may have made it easier for your loved one to develop an addiction, but only the substance abuser is responsible for their behavior. It is their choice to use. It is their choice to get help. Don’t make it easier for them to use by taking the responsibility away from them.
  • Do Not Get Involved in Their Substance Abuse
    Don’t pick up a six pack for your husband on your way home from work. Don’t give money to your daughter to go out with her friends if you know she is probably going to use. Don’t drive your wife to the casino to spend “only” $20 when you know she can’t stop at $20. Say no. If you can’t say no because of fear of abuse, then you need to leave immediately.

It is not easy, but your health and happiness depend on it. The long-term health and happiness of your loved one also depend on it. For further reading on this subject, check out the Aid in Recovery Book Club.

6 thoughts on “14 Signs You Are Enabling Addiction

  1. I am an addict 5 yrs clean. I prob will not respond if you try contact me. I just want to say I enable out of guilt the ones I love the most I know it just makes matters worse by not keeping healthy boundaries. I know it makes me depressed and emotionally physically drained but I keep hoping the active addict will just love me enough. All the time knowing because I was a low bottom homeless addict that love would not have saved me. I had to get there by desperation for a different life. If someone would of continuously enabled me I do not want to know where I would be. I am taking baby steps and some drastic steps to stop enabling. I know I can keep my recovery. I just need it to be ok to stop enabling. Thank you for listening

  2. Like the person above me, I am too in recovery but I also enable my kids, I am trying to stop doing that but it is hard to say no when I have the means to help them whether it is a ride or food or money.

  3. I was an active addict for seventeen years. My drug of choice was opiates but that doesn’t matter. Once addicted, regardless of what drug(s) you preferred addiction resides within the brain and body of any addict (including alcohol)
    It consists of a mental obsession which leads to physical cravings which in turn translates into compulsive behavior. These facets of addiction can and do manifest in many forms. Substitution of one substance for another is common when using their drug of choice has brought them more heat than they can tolerate.
    These are just a few components of active addiction.
    As far as enabling goes it may sound harsh but isn’t reality just that at times? Here it is: An enabler is really enabling in order to rid themselves of feelings of guilt, fear, anger and any other feelings that are incredibly difficult to manage. It’s selfish. The best thing an enabler can do for a liver one suffering from addiction is to care for their own issues and make that the number one priority. This action has proven to show the most desired outcomes for the entire family including the afflicted. Detach with love like any loving parent does when raising their child. Saying no is often the most loving thing you can do. You are essentially rising above your own feelings because you realize that your child will be better for it the future.
    Addiction is an insidious disease. Brace yourselves for the battle of a lifetime. The good news is it can and has been successfully arrested by millions of people world wide!

  4. Please pardon my carelessness regarding the exclusion of my credentials from my prior comments. I had been a certified addiction counselor for twenty years ending in 2012. Ten years counseling and ten years evaluating criminal defendants and when appropriate recommending long term treatment as opposed to a first time buyer in state prison. I’m also a published writer on the subject of addiction/criminality.
    Bruce J Walters

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